The Bitter Cold World of Cooking; And Breakfast for Dinner

Despite what you may think, cooking is not the cushy safe world it is made out to be.  I've heard that something like 95% of all fatal accidents happen within the home, just imagine how many of those happen near appliances that spit fire.  Either way, the news world has been inundated with some pretty amazingly evil food stories.  I thought they were worth posting here.

First and foremost:

I am a HUGE fan of cake.  It is my favorite food. Right up there with pizza, I believe that it is the perfect food.  It is versatile and can be made accurately to anyone's food specifications.  It is also retardedly delicious.  I once told a friend that cake is almost as important maybe more important to me than love.  No joke.

Man Shoots Friend for Eating His Cake

January 20, 2011 07:30 AM EST

A piece of cake was the reason a Philadelphia man shot his friend. The incident happened Monday morning in a car. The driver noticed his friend eating a piece of baked goods. They argued, and the driver shot his friend.

It's not inconceivable to get into an argument over dessert, but to draw a gun, and actually fire it is simply another. That had to be one delicious cake. There was no description of the dessert, but it might have been chocolate. Would that justify shooting someone?

According to AOL, "The investigator denied a report that they were actually arguing over French fries. The food in question was a baked good, the investigator said." The victim, 31, and alleged cake eater is listed in critical condition, and the hospital would not release any more information. As for the shooter, he got away, but hopefully, he will soon be apprehended. Maybe he can get his cake in prison as the prisoners like to share.

Anyone who holds such a strong passion for layered pastries has earned my love

Secondly.  While I share little of my cake love with PETA, this one even has me perplexed at how stupid and desperate people can be.  

Tucson restaurant to offer African lion tacos

January 20, 2011 (TUCSON, Ariz.) -- A Tucson taco restaurant already has served up python, alligator, elk, kangaroo, rattlesnake and turtle.

What's next? Lion meat.

Boca Tacos y Tequila says it's accepting prepaid orders for African lion tacos, to be served starting Feb. 16. Orders must be placed by Feb. 7 and owner Bryan Mazon says there are already a few reservations from curious customers.

Mazon says his restaurant started offering exotic tacos on its menu every Wednesday about six months ago and has tried "just about anything we can get our hands on."

According to the Food and Drug Administration, lion and other game meat can be sold as long as the species isn't endangered.

The Arizona Daily Star says most of Boca's exotic tacos range between $3 and $4. The lion tacos will cost $8.75 apiece.


This is the shortened version of the article, but what I love in the full version is that Mazon admittedly does this all for PUBLICITY.  Which as a cook--and a skeptic--I find completely pathetic.  I hope while he's out on his african safari he gets wrapped up by the natives in a large tortilla and gets left on Pride Rock to be eaten by the lions. 

On to the recipe!

VEGGIE BENEDICT SANS EGG

I like this recipe for numerous reasons.  As you may have already deduced, I like being lazy and I like eating on the cheap.  But I also like eating fairly healthy.  This recipe is nice because it's simple and it can be eaten for breakfast, lunch or dinner.  I like it even more because even the most loathsome of vegetable haters might actually like this.  The flavors combine very well and the sauce really masks the "vegetable flavor."  Thank god a bunch of adults have been bred to be afraid of vegetables and anything that isn't flavored like bacon.  Regardless...

Here are our ingredients: 

Enough to serve two, fatty.

2-3 English muffins

1/8 cup nutrtional yeast
3 tbsp butter
1 cup soy milk or milk or almond milk or rice milk or breast milk or whatever
2-3 tsps flour
1/2 - 1 lemon


1 small onion chopped
3 small red tomatoes chopped
1/2 zucchini chopped
1 bell pepper chopped (I don't use green because, if you did not know, a green pepper is UNRIPE)
10 spears asparagus, chopped
4 cloves chopped garlic


HERE WE GO!


Throw all of your veggies into a pan with olive oil on medium heat and cover.  Like so:

You need not do anything else to these babies.  After about 10 minutes under the lid, take the lid off and let them cook up.  Don't worry if it starts to get mushy, that's just the sweet love the vegetables are making.  Delicious. 


Then you're going to make the "hollandaise."  Now, if you've never made hollandaise before, it's not exactly easy.  So, to bypass any difficulty, I like to make the vegan version of it because it is unbelievably easy and--luckily for you--pretty much fool proof.  


The only thing that could make this recipe complicated is the use of nutritional yeast.  Which looks like this: 

Also delicious on popcorn.  This is often used by vegans to make an inferior cheese sauce, but it still has its uses.  You can find  it at any expensive hipster/yuppie/bulk section wielding grocery store. 


In a small pot, start melting your butter.  Like so:

I felt like I wasn't giving you enough pictures, so now I'm going to give you too many. 


Throw in your nutritional yeast and flour and mix around in a nice pasty mixture.  Then add your soy milk and bring to a boil.  It will look like this initially:

Bring this mixture to a small rolling boil.  When that happens, add the juice from 1/2 - 1 lemon.  Also add more flour if you don't feel like it is thick enough.  Use your best judgement on thickness.  You don't want it too runny, but you also don't want it like a thick gravy.  Just in between.  After adding the lemon, add salt to taste.  You want sort of a lemony salty hollandaise-y sauce.  


And it will look like this: 

Yummy.


Now, toast up your muffins and VOILA!  Cover them with a bunch of veggies and top with the sauce.  I also like to get a little wild and toss some fresh scallions and a little cracked pepper on top. 


Let's see how these bad boys turned out: 

Food porn. 


Stay cold, stay bitter, Folks.