Tis' the Curmudgeonly Season: Apples

Here we are again.  Fall is upon us and I know this because my friends have become exponentially more annoying with their requests for my recipes or more posts onto this crappy blog.  But, it was nice to get away from one another for a while, was it not?  Fear not, my friends, I have many a-recipe to share and a new website on the way.  No more of this nonsensical blog junk.  We're moving to the big time.

Today's subject: APPLES.

Freshly picked and freshly delicious.

I have no lectures for you today about your poor apple choices.  While on my high horse, I rode over to the apple orchard this past weekend in order to feel good about my own apple choices.  I did get some very delicious apples and got some quirky enjoyment of my goofball friends (who took embarrassing candid photos of me while picking or spent 1 out of every 10 minutes wedged between the stalls in the bathroom), but, my god, was it packed.  I don't exactly feel passionate about spending time in crowds of people slinging apples around and toting their ten dozen doughnuts around (no kidding), so after a few panic attacks I came home with 30 or so apples and a gallon of apple cider.   But not my favorite: apple cider doughnuts.  Thank you 200 people in line who could stand to lose a few doughnuts themselves.

Before we get to my recipe, another announcement.  My beloved kitty did not return, however she was replaced with a kitty almost just as cute.  Thanks to a few missing evicted heroin addicts and a tenant of the same building in which the kitty was residing, we now have Bubbles:

I know you dorks thought you rid my blog of kitty pictures by stealing the last one.  Think again.

All right, kitty-ing aside  (get it? kitty-ing?),

APPLE BREAD

Here's what you will need to make this beauty: 


A preheated oven to 300 degrees


1 1/2 cup flour
1 cup sugar
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 egg (or 1/4 cup apple sauce)
1 tsp vanilla
5/8 cup oil
1 - 2 apples (you choose!)
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup nuts (any nut, and this is optional)
1/2 tsp baking soda


For the top:


1 apple
1/4 cup oats
1/8 cup sugar
1 Tbsp cinnamon


I'm trying to turn over a new leaf.  I'm trying to control myself by not putting up 10 incredibly crappy blurry pictures of what may  or may not be food.  Instead, I think I'll try to take some "appetizing" photos that are in focus.  Feedback is not welcome.

Ok, so I absolutely love this recipe because it is so easy it's stupid.  I'm almost embarrassed to put this up here because I want my friends and family to think I'm more talented than this.  But, alas, it is all a ruse.  The joke is on you and your compliments.

Ok, here is what you do.  This recipe will make you 1 loaf of apple bread.  I have a friend who constantly asks me what the recipe yield is.  So here it is, Ellen, your goddamned recipe yield.  Anyway, you want to peal your apples.  And then slice the apple into about twelve slices and then slice those into three's.  You want to end up with nice small cubes of apple.  I say one or two apples because it all depends on the size.  If you got one of those big whoppers, I would stick with one.  If you got some teeny tiny ones, I'd go with two.

You can either mix this by hand or in your mixer.  Ok, here's the tough part:  Take all of your ingredients, EVERYTHING--your egg, your sugar, your apples, whatever--and put it all in a bowl.  No need to beat anything and then add other stuff, just put it all together at once.  And then mix it until it all comes together.

Now, for you snooty and non-snooty vegans, you may have noticed this is one step away from being vegan.  Simply substitute the egg with some apple sauce--as noted above--and feel better than everyone else who put an egg, or as my old roommate used to call it, a chicken period, in their bread.  Yuck.

Take a bread pan, grease it up with vegan or non-vegan butter and plop your mixture right in there.

Now, you can really mix up the top here and get creative.  You can be a tool and follow my lead--I thinly slice up apples, toss them in the mixture I noted above and then lay them out nicely on top of the uncooked dough--or you can be creative and leave the topping to your own devices.  Either way, let's hope you don't screw it up too badly.

And to go with the trifecta (food, kitties, and....), let us not forget the libations!  While cooking this I enjoyed something crisp and light.  We could have been big dorks and gone with the obvious and go with the hard cider, but let's get a little manly and go with this:

This is a nice little ringer from my fair city.  I didn't feel like being all American apple pie on this cooking endeavor, so I added a little fiesta.  I mean, look at that label.

Crack one of those babies open, toss your dough into the oven for an hour and a half or until you can get a toothpick or knife or whatever out cleanly, and kill the six pack while you wait.  Hopefully you don't black out on the floor of your kitchen and wake up to the smell of apple scented smoke.

Welcome back, Folks.