Deceiving the Souls of Mankind: Deviled Eggs

I haven't been feeling very poetic lately.  I attribute this to my brain being completely fried like an egg--you gotta stick with the cooking analogies--since I've been thinking a lot more lately than I am used to.  I've burdened myself with two jobs, and internship and grad school.  Big mistake.  So, without any intolerant introduction, I'm going to share with you a way to take a party staple and actually make it taste good.

Well, deviled eggs are pretty good, right?  But, they're kind of gross, too.  And I've been running into more and more people who are fairly grossed out by the prospect of eating a deviled egg.  Even if you like them, I know you feel some tinge of guilt when you eat something that is jam packed with calories and smells like someone released such a pungent fart you can actually taste it in your mouth (Gross, but true).  In fact, just for fun I actually looked up the calorie count of a deviled egg and it's somewhere around 70 calories.  Now, I'm not one to count calories--I'm too lazy and now I've taken to refusing to think when I don't have to--but that's quite a lot of calories.  So, instead of accepting the fact that you're at a party and it's ok to eat like shit, let's revamp the deviled egg as we know it.

In my food research, I had made these deviled eggs for non-believers.  And you know what, all the people I heard saying that they don't like deviled eggs, I saw them eat a hell of a lot of them and then pronounce, "These deviled eggs are really good."  And you might want to count your calories and try to forgo the deviled eggs.  But, you know what?  Fuck it.

AIN'T YOUR GRANDMA'S DEVILED EGGS

Oh my.  Delicious blasphemy.

Now, first order of business: The hardboiled egg.  Believe it or not, this was my first time making deviled eggs and on top of that, my first time ever making hardboiled eggs.  And yet, here I am, an expert on the matter.  However, trust me on this one.

Hard boiled eggs are simple.  You want to fill a large pot with enough water just to completely cover the egg.  Gently put your eggs on the bottom of the pot without stacking.  Now, I had this genius plan to use brown eggs instead of white.  Here's the problem with this one: brown egg shells are thicker than white ones.  While intuitively I thought to myself, Well, then the eggs won't crack, I now see that this was a rookie mistake.  When I went to actually peel the egg shells, I was on the verge of taken one of the broken shelves and slitting my wrists with it.  Save yourself the suicidal thoughts and stick with the white.  Ok, so after you've pondered whether or not you want to live or die, bring these suckers to a boil on medium heat and with no lid on the pot.  When you reach a rolling boil, go ahead and turn the stove off and let the eggs sit for about 10-15 minutes.  When the time is up, you can either take the eggs out and put them in a cold water bath or drain the hot water and replace with cold water.  Leave the eggs in the cold water until the eggs themselves are cool.  This might require you to replace the water every once in a while, since it'll warm up pretty quickly.  Them eggs are hot!

I recommend doing taking a few deep breaths and accepting your fate, because no matter how much you lie to yourself, peeling 20 eggs will about put you into a deep nervous breakdown.  If you have friends, this is the time to call them.  The easiest way to peel an egg is to break the top and bottom of the egg, roll it gently on the counter and then peel away.  Or you can do what this dude/lady does:

Uh oh.  What a mess!

Now, you know if you fucked these up or not based on that nasty little sulfuric green ring around the yolk.  If you have that, you failed.  If not, good job.  But either way, that doesn't really matter for deviled eggs, so fret not if you're a fuck up. 

Ok, so here we go, the deviled eggs.

This recipe makes 48 deviled eggs (that's in halves).

Here's what you'll need:

24 hardboiled eggs

12 Tbsps. Veganaise (this is what I used, but of course you can also use nasty stinky mayo)

4 Tbsps. Dijon mustard

4 Tbsps. Sriracha 

4 Tbsps. Minced Onion (while I don't condone, you can also use onion powder)

2 tsps. Minced garlic (same goes with the garlic powder)

Salt and pepper to taste

(Optional) 4 Tbsps. Sweet pickle minced (though I did not use this in my recipe)

Now, after you've peeled your eggs, cut them in half, scoop out the yolk and throw it in a bowl.  You can put the egg whites to the side.  When you've completed this task in full, you can grab the bowl with the yolks and add all of the other ingredients. 

Now, some people don't know what Sriracha is and where to find it.  Here is what the bottle looks like:

I stole this from someone else's food blog.  Suckers.

Don't mistake this for hot chili sauce or anything else.  I know all those Asian things look alike, but just look for the rooster on the bottle.  You can pretty much find this anywhere, so no need to go to a speciality market or whatever.

If you have yet to experience the wonders of sriracha sauce, watch out.  It's damn good.  

Ok, so sriracha is spicy, but in these eggs it's very toned down.  I watched kids happily eat them sans crying, so don't get yourself in a bunch if you're afraid of spicy foods. 

Mix everything together until it's all well blended.  If you are planning on making these for a later occasion (which I did, as I was making them for a baby shower the next day) you can take your yolk mixture, dump it into a large freezer bag and throw it in the fridge.  Don't show anyone the bag, though,  because it looks really really gross and I'll be damned if you can convince anyone to eat your bagged concoction.  

When the time comes, you can cut a corner off of the bag and easily pipe the mixture into the center of the eggs.  The sriracha adds a really nice color to the yolk, so if you're feeling extra fancy, I put a dab of sriracha on top of each egg--just to add some fanciness to something otherwise gross.  

Now be careful, because I made these sexy looking eggs and then they were placed kitty corner from some cucumber sandwiches.  And let's be honest here, those sandwiches are nothing to write home about and you might just embarrass the person unfortunate enough to make them.  So, be kind and place these away from your friend's pitiful food.  

Eat some eggs.  Get some.