Here Today, Gone Tamale!

I looked at my most recent post and it was nearly two years ago to the day.  This, in turn, made me incredibly sad, mostly for the fact that I haven't been able to grace the interweb with poorly taken flip phone pictures and a snarky attitude.

Fear not, my esteemed followers, I am back.

Like all loyal Americans, I was somehow suckered into working a full time job and a part time job in order to buy myself--you guessed it--a new couch in which I could put my feet up from a long day's work.  I could just have easily worked at a fast food drive-thru and lived happily with my Craigslist futon, but what would my mother think?

So, in honor of shedding off my destitution, I drank a bottle of champagne and, as a nod to the ancient Mayans, made myself some tamales.  So, my fellow eaters, rejoice my return with some delicately wrapped masa.

Does this photo uphold my crappy picture standards?  

Vegetarian Pickled Jalapeno Tamales

Ingredients

For the dough:

4 cups masa
2 Tbsp. baking power
1 cup shortening/Coconut oil (I use shortening with non-hydrogenated oil cause that shit is bad for you)
3 "beef" bouillon cubes dissolved in 3 - 3 1/2 Cups of water

For the filling:

10 pickled jalapenos
1 15 oz. can black beans
6 oz. cheddar cheese (if you're some dinky vegan, you could easily leave this out without sacrificing flavor)

1 package of corn husks

Directions:

Now, it doesn't take much brain power to make these.  My boyfriend was telling me a story while I was making these and I told him I couldn't multitask by listening and doing.  He proceeded to tell me that even "Old Mexican grandmothers could make tamales."  So there, even you can do it.

First things first: Prepare the husks by soaking 30 of them in warm water and letting them soak for at least 30 minutes.  There is really no limit on how long you can soak them--the longer, the better.  Thirty minutes will give you just the right amount of play in the husks in order for you to roll them.

While you're waiting for your husks, congratulate yourself on a job well done by pouring yourself another glass of champagne.  I know I did.

Get your dough together.  In a large bowl, mix your masa and your baking powder.  Give that baby a little stir.  Then, add in your shortening/coconut oil and use your hands to mix in until completely integrated.  You'll know when you get a little sandy mixture.  Add your broth and mix until you get a nice, even spongy mixture.  Put that aside and take another sip. Good job.

The filling is very simple.  I found a lot of recipes in which people cooked their fillings or did some fancy footwork, but I didn't feel like doing that.  So, throw your pickled jalapenos in a food processor and process for 15 seconds.  Add the black beans and pulse for another 5 seconds.  Transfer this to a bowl.  Cut the cheese into cubes and throw those babies into the food processor, too.  Don't try to get all motivated and take care of this stuff yourself, just let the processor do the work.  Put the cheese in there until it's finely chopped. Add this to your jalapeno black bean mixture and your good as gold.

Now, here is the tricky part.  Hopefully you're not too deep into the bottle of champagne to complete this.  Take one husk and rip it into strips--this is what you will use to tie the tamales.  I, then, put out a towel in order to put the tamales on and fill them.  This is nice because you can quickly dry them off and then fill them.  You'll want to take a scoop of the filling and press down into the husks.  Leave yourself about an inch from the sides for a nice roll.  Then, you'll want to put a spoonful of the filling in the middle.  Roll these bad boys like a burrito.  If you don't know how to roll a burrito...well...god help your soul.

After you've rolled them, tie them in the middle with one of the strings from the husk.  Do this until you can't even stand to do it anymore.  Trust me, tying those things is a true nightmare.  Make sure to have at least half a bottle of something left while you do this.  It's awful.

Once you're stress level goes down, fill a pot with water and put a steamer basket in it.  Pack in the tamales you made standing on their ends.  Don't hesitate to pack them nice and tight; they like that.

Put the heat on high and cover the pot.  Let the water boil for about 10 minutes before you put the heat down to low and leave it at a simmer.  Time to let those guys stew for about an hour, while you finish whatever you were drinking.  By this point, I had finished the bottle of champagne, so I moved on to a slice of pizza and a beer.  Some days are really tough.

After an hour, take the tamales off of the heat and let them cool.  Now, you have three options:

1. Eat them.  Now.  Maybe with a little San Marcos chipotle sauce.  
2. Put them in a tupperware and stick in the fridge.  This will only serve to torture you slowly, however. 
3. Put them in a freezer bag and freeze.  You can easily pull some Lazarus shit on these guys by putting them in any sort of heating receptacle:  microwave (yuck), oven, steamer.  Maybe even a toaster oven.  

Then, you can celebrate by taking a nap and waking up with a headache.  Happy Sunday.  

Deceiving the Souls of Mankind: Deviled Eggs

I haven't been feeling very poetic lately.  I attribute this to my brain being completely fried like an egg--you gotta stick with the cooking analogies--since I've been thinking a lot more lately than I am used to.  I've burdened myself with two jobs, and internship and grad school.  Big mistake.  So, without any intolerant introduction, I'm going to share with you a way to take a party staple and actually make it taste good.

Well, deviled eggs are pretty good, right?  But, they're kind of gross, too.  And I've been running into more and more people who are fairly grossed out by the prospect of eating a deviled egg.  Even if you like them, I know you feel some tinge of guilt when you eat something that is jam packed with calories and smells like someone released such a pungent fart you can actually taste it in your mouth (Gross, but true).  In fact, just for fun I actually looked up the calorie count of a deviled egg and it's somewhere around 70 calories.  Now, I'm not one to count calories--I'm too lazy and now I've taken to refusing to think when I don't have to--but that's quite a lot of calories.  So, instead of accepting the fact that you're at a party and it's ok to eat like shit, let's revamp the deviled egg as we know it.

In my food research, I had made these deviled eggs for non-believers.  And you know what, all the people I heard saying that they don't like deviled eggs, I saw them eat a hell of a lot of them and then pronounce, "These deviled eggs are really good."  And you might want to count your calories and try to forgo the deviled eggs.  But, you know what?  Fuck it.

AIN'T YOUR GRANDMA'S DEVILED EGGS

Oh my.  Delicious blasphemy.

Now, first order of business: The hardboiled egg.  Believe it or not, this was my first time making deviled eggs and on top of that, my first time ever making hardboiled eggs.  And yet, here I am, an expert on the matter.  However, trust me on this one.

Hard boiled eggs are simple.  You want to fill a large pot with enough water just to completely cover the egg.  Gently put your eggs on the bottom of the pot without stacking.  Now, I had this genius plan to use brown eggs instead of white.  Here's the problem with this one: brown egg shells are thicker than white ones.  While intuitively I thought to myself, Well, then the eggs won't crack, I now see that this was a rookie mistake.  When I went to actually peel the egg shells, I was on the verge of taken one of the broken shelves and slitting my wrists with it.  Save yourself the suicidal thoughts and stick with the white.  Ok, so after you've pondered whether or not you want to live or die, bring these suckers to a boil on medium heat and with no lid on the pot.  When you reach a rolling boil, go ahead and turn the stove off and let the eggs sit for about 10-15 minutes.  When the time is up, you can either take the eggs out and put them in a cold water bath or drain the hot water and replace with cold water.  Leave the eggs in the cold water until the eggs themselves are cool.  This might require you to replace the water every once in a while, since it'll warm up pretty quickly.  Them eggs are hot!

I recommend doing taking a few deep breaths and accepting your fate, because no matter how much you lie to yourself, peeling 20 eggs will about put you into a deep nervous breakdown.  If you have friends, this is the time to call them.  The easiest way to peel an egg is to break the top and bottom of the egg, roll it gently on the counter and then peel away.  Or you can do what this dude/lady does:

Uh oh.  What a mess!

Now, you know if you fucked these up or not based on that nasty little sulfuric green ring around the yolk.  If you have that, you failed.  If not, good job.  But either way, that doesn't really matter for deviled eggs, so fret not if you're a fuck up. 

Ok, so here we go, the deviled eggs.

This recipe makes 48 deviled eggs (that's in halves).

Here's what you'll need:

24 hardboiled eggs

12 Tbsps. Veganaise (this is what I used, but of course you can also use nasty stinky mayo)

4 Tbsps. Dijon mustard

4 Tbsps. Sriracha 

4 Tbsps. Minced Onion (while I don't condone, you can also use onion powder)

2 tsps. Minced garlic (same goes with the garlic powder)

Salt and pepper to taste

(Optional) 4 Tbsps. Sweet pickle minced (though I did not use this in my recipe)

Now, after you've peeled your eggs, cut them in half, scoop out the yolk and throw it in a bowl.  You can put the egg whites to the side.  When you've completed this task in full, you can grab the bowl with the yolks and add all of the other ingredients. 

Now, some people don't know what Sriracha is and where to find it.  Here is what the bottle looks like:

I stole this from someone else's food blog.  Suckers.

Don't mistake this for hot chili sauce or anything else.  I know all those Asian things look alike, but just look for the rooster on the bottle.  You can pretty much find this anywhere, so no need to go to a speciality market or whatever.

If you have yet to experience the wonders of sriracha sauce, watch out.  It's damn good.  

Ok, so sriracha is spicy, but in these eggs it's very toned down.  I watched kids happily eat them sans crying, so don't get yourself in a bunch if you're afraid of spicy foods. 

Mix everything together until it's all well blended.  If you are planning on making these for a later occasion (which I did, as I was making them for a baby shower the next day) you can take your yolk mixture, dump it into a large freezer bag and throw it in the fridge.  Don't show anyone the bag, though,  because it looks really really gross and I'll be damned if you can convince anyone to eat your bagged concoction.  

When the time comes, you can cut a corner off of the bag and easily pipe the mixture into the center of the eggs.  The sriracha adds a really nice color to the yolk, so if you're feeling extra fancy, I put a dab of sriracha on top of each egg--just to add some fanciness to something otherwise gross.  

Now be careful, because I made these sexy looking eggs and then they were placed kitty corner from some cucumber sandwiches.  And let's be honest here, those sandwiches are nothing to write home about and you might just embarrass the person unfortunate enough to make them.  So, be kind and place these away from your friend's pitiful food.  

Eat some eggs.  Get some.  

Tis' the Curmudgeonly Season: Apples

Here we are again.  Fall is upon us and I know this because my friends have become exponentially more annoying with their requests for my recipes or more posts onto this crappy blog.  But, it was nice to get away from one another for a while, was it not?  Fear not, my friends, I have many a-recipe to share and a new website on the way.  No more of this nonsensical blog junk.  We're moving to the big time.

Today's subject: APPLES.

Freshly picked and freshly delicious.

I have no lectures for you today about your poor apple choices.  While on my high horse, I rode over to the apple orchard this past weekend in order to feel good about my own apple choices.  I did get some very delicious apples and got some quirky enjoyment of my goofball friends (who took embarrassing candid photos of me while picking or spent 1 out of every 10 minutes wedged between the stalls in the bathroom), but, my god, was it packed.  I don't exactly feel passionate about spending time in crowds of people slinging apples around and toting their ten dozen doughnuts around (no kidding), so after a few panic attacks I came home with 30 or so apples and a gallon of apple cider.   But not my favorite: apple cider doughnuts.  Thank you 200 people in line who could stand to lose a few doughnuts themselves.

Before we get to my recipe, another announcement.  My beloved kitty did not return, however she was replaced with a kitty almost just as cute.  Thanks to a few missing evicted heroin addicts and a tenant of the same building in which the kitty was residing, we now have Bubbles:

I know you dorks thought you rid my blog of kitty pictures by stealing the last one.  Think again.

All right, kitty-ing aside  (get it? kitty-ing?),

APPLE BREAD

Here's what you will need to make this beauty: 


A preheated oven to 300 degrees


1 1/2 cup flour
1 cup sugar
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 egg (or 1/4 cup apple sauce)
1 tsp vanilla
5/8 cup oil
1 - 2 apples (you choose!)
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup nuts (any nut, and this is optional)
1/2 tsp baking soda


For the top:


1 apple
1/4 cup oats
1/8 cup sugar
1 Tbsp cinnamon


I'm trying to turn over a new leaf.  I'm trying to control myself by not putting up 10 incredibly crappy blurry pictures of what may  or may not be food.  Instead, I think I'll try to take some "appetizing" photos that are in focus.  Feedback is not welcome.

Ok, so I absolutely love this recipe because it is so easy it's stupid.  I'm almost embarrassed to put this up here because I want my friends and family to think I'm more talented than this.  But, alas, it is all a ruse.  The joke is on you and your compliments.

Ok, here is what you do.  This recipe will make you 1 loaf of apple bread.  I have a friend who constantly asks me what the recipe yield is.  So here it is, Ellen, your goddamned recipe yield.  Anyway, you want to peal your apples.  And then slice the apple into about twelve slices and then slice those into three's.  You want to end up with nice small cubes of apple.  I say one or two apples because it all depends on the size.  If you got one of those big whoppers, I would stick with one.  If you got some teeny tiny ones, I'd go with two.

You can either mix this by hand or in your mixer.  Ok, here's the tough part:  Take all of your ingredients, EVERYTHING--your egg, your sugar, your apples, whatever--and put it all in a bowl.  No need to beat anything and then add other stuff, just put it all together at once.  And then mix it until it all comes together.

Now, for you snooty and non-snooty vegans, you may have noticed this is one step away from being vegan.  Simply substitute the egg with some apple sauce--as noted above--and feel better than everyone else who put an egg, or as my old roommate used to call it, a chicken period, in their bread.  Yuck.

Take a bread pan, grease it up with vegan or non-vegan butter and plop your mixture right in there.

Now, you can really mix up the top here and get creative.  You can be a tool and follow my lead--I thinly slice up apples, toss them in the mixture I noted above and then lay them out nicely on top of the uncooked dough--or you can be creative and leave the topping to your own devices.  Either way, let's hope you don't screw it up too badly.

And to go with the trifecta (food, kitties, and....), let us not forget the libations!  While cooking this I enjoyed something crisp and light.  We could have been big dorks and gone with the obvious and go with the hard cider, but let's get a little manly and go with this:

This is a nice little ringer from my fair city.  I didn't feel like being all American apple pie on this cooking endeavor, so I added a little fiesta.  I mean, look at that label.

Crack one of those babies open, toss your dough into the oven for an hour and a half or until you can get a toothpick or knife or whatever out cleanly, and kill the six pack while you wait.  Hopefully you don't black out on the floor of your kitchen and wake up to the smell of apple scented smoke.

Welcome back, Folks.

Drink Your Food: Beer Bread

Someone pointed out to me a couple days after my return from food coma hiatus that my last blog post was, let's say, "annoying preachy."  Let's also just say this person was my loving mother who, in a very first grade teacher way is, let's say, brutally honest.  I did not re-read my post because I'm usually too embarrassed to read my own writing (this is true, I never proof-read a single paper I wrote in college...), so I just took her word for it.  And because I care about my 13 sensitive, yet loyal, followers I would like to apologize.  Sometimes the harsh realities of an unforgiving and non-opportunistic world set in after a hard day of lounging around the house and I just needed to let it out.  Please forgive me.

Moving on...

I found out a few days ago that I have a few good food pictures on my camera, but no way to get the pictures on my computer.  And my cat is still missing.  That means: no original food pictures, no kitty cat pictures.  Oh well.

I do have a recipe I'd like to share regardless.

This one is an Alton Brown recipe--whom I became much more interested in (though I think he is still an annoying dork) when I downloaded a few episodes of Good Eats.  My mom was talking to me one day about how my dad used to make beer rye bread, which is impressive in so many ways because I believe she was referring to the man who, when I was growing up, could barely put a box of macaroni and cheese together.  Apparently, it was pretty good, too (the bread, not the mac).  I decided I wanted to dabble in more beer related cooking and then I saw an episode of Alton's show in which he makes beer cheese bread.

Here we go:

CHEDDAR BEER BREAD


1 3/4 cup all purpose flour
1 cup wheat flour
1 Tbsp baking powder
3/4 tsp salt
1 tsp sugar
1 tsp fresh dill, chopped (optional)
5 ounces sharp cheddar, chopped or grated
12 ounces cold beer, preferably a strong ale
2 jalepenos, de-seeded (if you feel so inclined) and sliced


Ok, so I normally don't try to outright steal recipes unless I think that they are really good enough to share.  This bread is good, yes, but that's not what I feel compelled to share it.  So--bear with me--I think it really sucks how Alton approaches this recipe.  His recipe is WEIGHED and not measured.  To me, that makes him a total douche and these frustrations were vented when I was attempting to make the bread.  Because you know what?  I love to cook and do it a lot, but I don't have a scale at my house.  I don't own a fucking bakery!  And while a scale is on my list of things to adorn my kitchen counter with, I think it's totally bogus to make a perfectly good recipe somewhat inaccessible, or at least a huge pain in the ass, to some people.  So, here's what I have to say Alton:  SUCK IT.  So there you go, I tweaked it a little and put it into measurements rather than weights.

Oh, fuck it:

I have tons of cat pictures.  Who am I kidding?

Oh yeah, you'll need a 9x5 bread pan, like this:

Nice!

And pre-heat your oven to 375 degrees.

This one is pretty easy, so crack open another brewski--buy a six pack--and get yourself cooking.

Whisk together the dry stuff.  Add the dill and one jalapeno.  Mix around.  Add the cheese. Mix around some more.  Ok, the beer.  Yeah, this is going to sound preachy, but I'm going to say it: don't be a lazy dork and buy some of your favorite crappy Corona lime or whatever crap you drink.  Why don't you get your butt in the seat of your car or whatever you use to push yourself around and grab yourself a nice local ale?  In my first batch, I used a New Glarus lager and in my second batch I used a Wild Onion ale.  Both were locally delicious.  Your tongue will thank you.  So now, add the beer in right in the center and mix in until the mixture is wet, but don't over mix.  Like any bread related thing, you don't want to over mix!

A little lesson:  If you over mix your bread, you work the gluten too much and the bread becomes chewy and less manageable.  A pizza dough is a great example of this; if you over-work it, it becomes very difficult to flatten out and bounces back in a completely annoying way.  Unless you want unbearably chewy bread, take not and mix as little as possible.

Take the dough and put it into a well greased pan--I used butter.  Top the bread with the remaining jalapeno slices.

Toss that bad boy in the oven for, let's say, 45-50 minutes.  Alton says until an instant-read thermometer reads an internal temperature of 210 degrees.  God, what a dick.  You can use a thermometer if you have one, but if you don't a good bet is to wait until 50 minutes has passed and the bread looks nice and golden.

When it's done you should be a few more beers deep into the six pack, so I like to slide it right out of the pan while it's still hot and put it on a rack in order to not have to think about it anymore.

Since there is no picture available, let's just say that your bread should look like a nice loaf of bread, and less like a dead bird or something.  Oh whatever, in the spirit of drinking, I'll just steal one:

Cheers!

Back in Business; Barbecue

Yes, I am again on the internet invading your free time with food and bitterness.  Today I discovered that my (free) internet has officially afforded me the opportunity to continue with my ramblings interspersed with foodstuffs.  

In the spirit of Memorial Day, I'm going to recommend you give your heart a rest from battling the awful shit you put into your body and enjoy a little (healthier) alternative grilling.  While watching my boyfriend making beer with a "ghetto-rigged" turkey frier while battling falling leaves from a tree in our yard, I decided to fire up the grill and make some delicious homemade veggie burgers.  I know I have previously introduced you to--maybe twice--my black bean burgers (which, I have to admit, are quite "grillable"), these burgers involve no beans.  Also--shockingly enough--I actually portioned out the food, so now you will actually have an accurate recipe.  All and all, I'm a changed person.

No recipe of mine would be complete without some social commentary and incoherent ramblings about whatever I feel like talking about.  So, here it is:  These are not in place of eating meat burgers.  Remember that if you so choose to make them.  Think of these more like a grillable sandwich and you might find yourself enjoying them more than you would have thought.  I would also like to address the fact that you might find yourself terrified of not grilling meat throughout the summer, but if you're going to bitch and moan about veggie burgers or whatever then at least have the decency to fire up the grill and throw a real heap of meat on there instead of some Johnsonville brats or whatever that have so much filler in soy in them that you're only eating the toenail of a pig.  I've had it up to HERE being called a hippie because I like this stuff while watching you scarf down something that is only 10% percent animal.  Go big or go home. 

With that, let us get to grilling. 

HOMEMADE VEGGIE BURGERS 

(AKA stop being lazy and buying boca burgers for your sad and lonely vegetarian friends)

Here's what you need to be a success:

4 oz cheddar cheese (today I used smoked cheddar, which gives the burger a smokey, bacon-y flavor)

4 large carrots

1/2 onion

1 zucchini

1 package (or 4 oz) water chestnuts

4 cloves garlic

1/2 block extra firm tofu (this does not have to be pressed)

1 cup rolled oats

1/4 cup soy sauce

1 cup all purpose non-bleached flour

1 cup whole wheat flour

So here's the deal, you're going to need a large bowl, a spatula and a food processor.  

I like my burgers nice and chunky, so the food processor will be handy.  With all of your cheese and veggies, you will just cut everything into big chunks.  So, cut up your cheese in 4 chunks and your zucchini into a few chunks, etc.  You can choose to grate most of these things, but ultimately the food processor is the least time consuming and you will need it an some point anyway, so you might as well pull it off the shelf and get her fired up. 

You may have noticed that there are no pictures--especially of my cat.  I'd like to say that she has now been missing for a week on some sort of outdoor kitty adventure or what have you, so there will be no fun in this blog today. 

You'll put the cheese chunks in first and process lightly until the cheese is broken up into small chunks. Put that in your bowl.  Next do your zucchini, until it is in small chunks and add it to the bowl.  Then your onion, then your carrot, then your water chestnuts.  Mix all of those together and add your soy sauce and stir. 

Next chop up your garlic very finely and mix in.  In the processor, put in your half a block of tofu and mix until creamy. Mix into your vegetables.  

Now, because I'm sort of lazy--as you may have noticed from my previous postings--I like to throw this mixture in my kitchenaid mixer and mix on very low speed while I add the dry ingredients.  Now, I say 3 cups total of the dry ingredients, but you may choose to add more of you so please.  Also, the amount of flour may vary based on the freshness/juiciness of the ingredients and whether or not you press the tofu.  To give you a frame of reference I'm from the midwest so my ingredients, while they look fresh, I assure you they are not and I don't press my tofu.  Play with these ingredients as you so choose. 

When the mixture is to your liking, you can immediately flour up your hands and put them into patties or you can throw them in your fridge.  I like to make them into patties and then freeze them to use for any day I don't really feel like cooking--which, when these are around, is usually ALWAYS.  You may find yourself curious about the stickiness of these, but do not fret.  They cook quite well.  What I do recommend however, is that they definitely get put on the grill and not fried in a pan.  You can fry the black bean burgers easily, but these end up getting oil-logged and don't turn out as stiff as they would on the grill.  I understand your addiction to these, though, so I will tell you that I fry them occasionally and they certainly are edible, just not an ideal texture.  

My boyfriend and I like to throw these on some kaiser rolls with some onion, greens, mustard and ketchup.  Also, we grilled some asparagus (tossed in some olive oil, lemon juice and cracked pepper) and enjoyed a sweet glass of homemade strawberry lemonade. 

I did not take pictures of any of these delicacies because, you know, I made my discovery about my ability to share these recipes with you via my blog after I stuffed my face.  So in honor of those hypocritical misleading choads at VegNews (who you might remember from a few posts down decided that they didn't need to show pictures of meatless foods or test their recipes for their vegan magazine), I will give you this: 

Mmmmmm...that looks like a tasty veggie burger there. 

God bless America. 

Taking the -ISM out of VEGANISM: Cupcakes.

One of my nearest and dearest has recently decided that it's about time she release herself from the bonds of the American diet and try something a little more Mediterranean--pescatarianism.  Between a few health scares and some foreboding pork tacos, she turned over to the dark side.

Now it's certainly a learning process.  Whilst coming over for a baking adventure, she came in carrying a pound of shortening which, as I told her, she is better off eating meat than eating that.  She gave me some gruff about it, but was eventually subdued.

There are a lot of haters out there about veganism and vegetarianism for sure, and yeah, that's pretty understandable because it seems to go both ways.  An old friend of my once complained to my boyfriend and myself about our beloved city's obsession with hotdogs and then proceeded to stand up and pull two VEGAN hotdogs out of a pot.  Yeah, no joke.  No short time later did he refuse to hang out with us while we performed the disgusting act of eating delivered pizza.  So yeah, if you're being subjected to that type of vegan (which, unfortunately, you probably are), I don't blame you for hating them.  The reverse can also be said about people who eat meat and just can't seem to understand those crazy vegans and they will eat meat if they damn well please.  No society without war, right?

So in effort to prove one of those HATERS wrong, she decided she called me last night and asked me if I could make some vegan cupcakes with her in the morning in anticipation of seeing a hater.  I want to remind people that you don't have to be vegetarian or vegan to have a happy and healthy diet, but what will keep your heart pumping for a long natural life is keeping an open mind.  Yes, you can bake vegan. No, baking just doesn't have to have butter.  Yes, you can eat vegetarian for a week and then get trashed, black out and wake up in the Burger King line.  It doesn't have to be black and white and you are no better or worse for eating vegan or eating meat.  Unless you're a total prick about it and refuse to accept that America produces horrible awful goods like spinach with salmonella on it and mad cow disease, then I hope you live to the ripe age of 30 and have a kale/beef induced heart attack.

Anyway...

You decide for yourself how you want to die, but these babies are goooood:

[VEGAN] HORCHATA CUPCAKES


What you'll need:


1 cup vegan horchata (you can find this in a grocery store in the rice milk section, or you can make your own which is just essentially milk, sugar and cinnamon)
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
1/3 cup oil
3/4 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp almond extract (optional--We did not use this)
1 1/4 cup flour
2 Tbsp corn starch
3/4 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt


Admittedly, we got the recipe from--dare I say it?--the PETA website.  That fact alone made me very skeptical of this recipe because, you know, PETA.  I also looked at the ingredients and had to think a lot about what was going on there---this is actually another reason why I really can enjoy vegan baking.  It requires you to understand what makes the baking process happen.  It's an interesting little lesson in what ingredients really do to each other while they're hanging out in the oven making things happen.

Also, I'll give a nod to PETA because this recipe came out PERFECT and needed no altering.  I was very impressed, indeed.

Here we go:

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.

Put your horchata and apple cider vinegar into a bowl and let sit for a minute while you get everything else in order.

Mix your oil, sugar, vanilla and cinnamon.

In another bowl, mix together all of your dry ingredients.  Now that I look back, I'm not even sure we put the salt in....weird.

Anyway, when you're done getting that stuff in order, mix your horchata and sugar/oil mixture together. Slowly beat in your dry mix.

And that's pretty much it.

Grease your cupcake pan thoroughly with some Earth Balance (vegan margarine) and powder with a little flour.  I've noticed that vegan baked goods tend to stick more so than non-vegan, so I like to take precautions by really greasing up the pan good.

Fill each cupcake thingy about 2/3 of the way and then pop those bad boys in the oven.  This recipe is supposed to make 12, but we got about 9 1/2.

Of course, we didn't take many pictures in the process but we did, however, watch a friend's new adopted doggie:

Doggie doggie doggie.

While your cupcakes are baking, mix your frosting together:

[VEGAN] HORCHATA FROSTING


1 stick or 8 Tbsps Earth Balance [vegan margarine]
1/4 cup horchata
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla extract
3-4 cups powdered sugar


I usually don't condone making a frosting that is the same flavor of the cupcakes, but this actually works out great, so I'll stick to the recipe.

Mix your Earth Balance, horchata, cinnamon and vanilla together.  Slowly beat in powdered sugar a cup at a time.  This is going to make you a nice sweet buttercream.  When it is as a stiff but spreadable consistency, you can pop it in the fridge for a little bit and let it sit.  Then take your cupcakes out when you can stick them with, well, a stick and it comes out clean:

Not too bad.

We let them cool for about 10 minutes and we decided to frost them nicely with a homemade pastry tube, which you can easily make out of parchment paper...and then we started decorating:

And decorating:

And decorating:

And then we sprinkled them with a little bit of cinnamon and we ended up with these:

Oh yeahhhhh...that's right.

After these cool down and the edge starts to crisp, they sort of begin to taste like churros and I'm reminded, yet again, why I live in the Puerto Rican side of town.

And my baking partner approves:

Time to get your vegan on.

Yum Yum Num Num Time: Spaghetti Squash

I feel like I've been doing an injustice to my diet lately by indulging in too many birthday efforts and not so much "healthy eating."

SPEAKING OF HEALTHY EATING, I totally read this article today and it proves me right.


And also speaking of spaghetti (if you consider this spaghetti), here is the latest headline in today's food world:

NESTLE RECALLS LEAN CUISINE SPAGHETTI WITH MEATBALLS MEALS, MIGHT CONTAIN PLASTIC.  


First off, might contain plastic?  Let's be completely honest here, Lean Cuisine with plastic comes standard.  You know what food science did for this lovely world?  It turned everything awful and pre-packaged you eat into edible plastic.  No joke.  If you eat this garbage, instantly stop and make yourself something much healthier and much more satisfying (both creatively and abdominally).  I mean, you do realize you are eating spaghetti and meatballs, right?  Not exactly the healthiest food option out there.

But you know what is?

SPAGHETTI SQUASH WITH HOMEMADE PASTA SAUCE


You'll need the following: 


1 spaghetti squash


5 ripe, beefy tomatoes 
1/2 diced red onion
3 - 5 cloves diced garlic
1/2 cup vodka
1 - 2 tablespoons crushed red pepper
Fresh basil
Fresh oregano
Bay leaves


Optional:
Mushrooms
Tofu

While eating this, try and remember the awfulness that is Lean Cuisine.  But I digress...

Here's how we roll:

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.  Grab yourself a cookie sheet or any other sort of flat pan.  I prefer to completely ruin my cookie sheets by cooking my spaghetti squash on them.  Totally worth it.  And I believe it makes your cookies healthier.  Anyway...Cut your spaghetti squash hot dog style.  Clean out all the nasty guts and stuff--you know, like the seeds.  Put the squash face down on the pan and stab stab stab it with a fork until you've tuckered your tender jiggly arms out.

Toss it in the oven for...say...45 minutes.

While that's cooking you can start your pasta sauce.  This is my recommendation for a pasta sauce because I love spicy food.  You can easily tweak this recipe, though.  Really, to make a good pasta sauce you just need tomatoes, garlic, seasonings and, well, that's pretty much it.  But, I recommend following my recipe because that's why I have a blog and you don't. (AND, I have 12 followers.  That says something!)

So dice up your onion and garlic together.  Start up your sauce pan on medium heat and put in a little olive oil.  You can throw the onion and garlic in and let them start to cook up.  You may need to add a little more olive oil as you go, just note.  If you're using mushrooms, this would be the time to also dice them up and throw them in.

Stir until the onions start to brown a little bit and, if using them, the mushrooms are nice and soft.

Take a swig and pour in your vodka.

Stir around for a minute and let the onions, garlic and, maybe, mushrooms simmer.  Add your spices.

Stir a bit more and star chopping up your tomatoes and adding them one at a time.  When the tomatoes are all added, put the heat down to low, put a top on your pan and let the sauce simmer.  It won't really look like a sauce at first, but I promise you, it'll get there.

God, not enough pictures so far.

Hahahaha...look at that goofball.  I'm a Bird Nerd.

Now, if you were considering adding tofu (which I think it is a great consideration) then this is what you would do:

I know some people are very intimidated by tofu, but it is awesomely versatile and good for you as well. It's a nice way to get protein without having to eat some crap that clogs up your arteries.  First, you want to use a block of Extra Firm Tofu, open up the package, and drain the water.  You want to wrap it in a towel of some sort and put something heavy on it for about 10 minutes or so.  I usually put one of my cast iron skillets on it and leave it alone while I chop up the onions.  Also, I'm pretty lazy about this, so sometimes I don't even press it at all.  Whatever.

Chop up your tofu in little squares and add it about 1 or 2 minutes after you add the onions and garlic, but before the vodka.  You'll cook this for a little bit longer so the tofu become firm and begins to also brown around the outside.  Then add the vodka and continue normally from there.

If this doesn't tickle your fancy, just add some sausage and put a few bucks in the Health Savings account.

Here's what it'll look like:

My boyfriend just made the "nom nom" sound to this picture.  Yeahhhhh...it's that good.

All right, by the time your food looks as good as mine, your spaghetti squash should be done.  Take it out of the oven and flip it over.  It's going to be hot as fucking hell, so don't touch it at all.  I've burnt my impatient self so many times trying to get the guts out.  Just wait.

After about 10 minutes of cooling, take a fork to the inside and let 'er rip.  My boyfriend says "Use long downward strokes." Yeah, sounds about right.

Really, though, you're just trying to get all the guts out.  It'll be nice and stringy like spaghetti.  And as you get the squash out you can transfer the strings to a bowl until you've pretty much cleaned that sucker out like an 18 year old with a trust fund.

When you're done getting it all out, toss it in the sauce and, if the mood so strikes you, you can grate some parmesan cheese or fresh mozzarella on your squash.

And then, you'll get this:

Which would rule.

Ok, let's be straight with each other for a minute.  I think it's really really really important to try to eat well, but I also know that there are a lot of food distractions in the world; i.e. PB&J Log.  I get that.  But if you're trying to eat healthy, this is an awesome option.  I have yet to meet a person who doesn't like this.  It's an awesome substitute for spaghetti and it's much much better for you.  Plus, if you can't get yourself to enjoy a good squash, this is the food for you.  It's really just like a delicious al dente pasta.

Squash good.  Plastic bad.